Dave thought he was dreaming. Sitting across the kitchen table from him was an alien. An honest to goodness alien, just like everyone describes. A short grey skinned humanoid with large dark bug like eyes and small mouth. ”I really must be dreaming”, he said to himself. “This can’t be real”.
Dave was held in his chair by an unknown force and could only manage to move his fingers. He pinched himself twice, hard and he wasn’t dreaming. What did this alien want? Dave’s mind raced to the stories he’d heard about aliens. Make it stop, he thought.
The alien was uncomfortable sitting in the earthling’s kitchen. This is the closest it had been to a human. It had seen humans before but this was different. They really do pinch themselves the alien thought, it’s not just a myth.
The alien held the earthling in his seat and thought about its mission. They could not fail this time. The universe was theirs and only this planet stood in the way. The mission was to decide if they will attack this planet and destroy all life, or let it be and just take what they want.
They would study it by the acronyms used on this planet The captain took the UN. Several other aliens were on acronym teams like the URL, HTTP, W3C or the CIA, FBI, KBG or the KAOS, UNCLE, PLOOP and there was the AMA, DMA, IMA team.
This was the alien’s first full contact mission and he was excited about his acronym. The alien could have taken NASA but it wasn’t interested in ancient history. It had heard of this SEO on earth and knew that was the most exciting thing ever in the history of humans at least according to those that wrote about it. Once the alien completed the mission, it would be a hero back home.
Dave squirmed as much as he could in his seat and tried not to look at the alien directly. It didn’t work, he couldn’t help but stare. As the alien stared back Dave sensed the alien say something but not move its mouth. He didn’t hear it clearly at first but then he heard the letters, S E O.
“Did the alien really say S E O to me?” Dave pondered. Again he heard the alien say the letters, S E O. So Dave responded “S E O” and the alien pulled out a key and pointed it at Dave.
The alien already knew S E O and wanted the human to tell him something about it. If not, he would zap him. If the human said S E O again the alien would send him flying into the wall. It had no time to waste with this human.
Dave thought he got a response from the alien and said again, “S E O”. Bam!!!! Dave and his chair went flying across the room. He hit his head against the wall and the next thing he knew, Dave was right back at the table still stuck in his chair.
The alien hoped this human learned his lesson and would tell it what it wants to know and do it now. It didn’t want to be the last one back to the mothership. The first one back got an automatic promotion. The alien that brought back the most helpful knowledge would be made a captain and have his own ship.
Dave thought if he wouldn’t say anything he’d be fine but the alien again said “S E O” and looked to him to respond. Dave thought quickly and said “search engine optimization” and saw the key come out just before his chair and head hit the wall again. Back at the table his head was hurting bad and he didn’t know what to do.
The alien had just about enough of this human and was about to go to plan B, when the human cried out, “It’s like baking a cake. SEO is just like baking a cake.”
Mmmmm, cake. The alien had eaten cake on several cattle mutilation missions. Once it got caught stealing a cake but nobody believed the human who reported it. Now the alien was interested. If seo is like cake, this mission will be the best yet.
Dave noticed the alien’s eyes get big and cringed at the thought of the key. The alien instead put down the key and said ”’cake”. Now what? Dave sighed, does it want me to bake it a cake? Yes! the alien responded, “cake now.”
Dave’s heart raced. He never baked a cake before. Sure he licked the batter and frosting spoons but he never really baked a cake. He had no choice as he glanced down and saw the key sitting on the table next to the alien. Suddenly he was freed from his chair and lifted into the kitchen. This shouldn’t be too bad he reasoned, I’ll only have to do this once.
Dave luckily remembered some of the things that go into a cake and decided to do the best he could. “Okay I need flour, eggs, sugar, salt, baking soda, vanilla extract,” Dave said to the alien hoping the key didn’t come out again. Dave had them all and thought he could finally get out of this. At least he could learn more about this alien while the cake was baking.
All of a sudden Dave realized he didn’t know how much of each ingredient to add. Yes, he had measuring cups and spoons, he just didn’t know how much flour or sugar or salt he needed to bake a cake. Dave would have to guess.
The alien was getting angrier as the human mixed food items together. None of this looked like a cake to the alien and he reached for his key. “Why doesn’t this look like cake?” the alien asked Dave.
Dave said that all he had to do is bake the cake and it would be look right. The alien asked how long that would take and Dave responded “an hour or so.” Right after Dave put the cake into the oven, the timer went off.
When Dave heard the timer go off he thought it must have been set wrong. The alien saw his puzzled look and explained one earth hour had passed. How could that be, Dave wondered, do you really loose time in alien abductions.
Dave didn’t care, he was just happy the cake was done. Now the alien would leave him in peace. As he headed up to get the cake out of the oven he remembered he didn’t have any frosting. Maybe the alien wouln’t notice. After all, he only told the alien it was like baking a cake, not frosting one.
Dave took the cake out of the oven and saw that it had fallen and was only half as big as it should have been. Maybe the alien won’t notice Dave thought as he turned to show the cake to the alien.
The alien was glad the cake was done and could report back to the mothership all about SEO. All the other aliens loved cake and it could tell the others how to bake them. The human turned with the cake and the alien saw it was only half the size of the other cakes it had seen. Not only that, there was no frosting and the alien loved frosting.
Out came the key and Dave went flying across the room with his fallen cake and slammed against the wall. The cake went bouncing down the hall and Dave was thrown back in his chair and pinned there. The alien was furious. “Cakes should be at the top of the pan. How come this cake has fallen? “
Dave was really frightened and didn’t know what to do. Suddenly he burst out without thinking, “You have to buy a cake to get one that goes to the top. I can help you do that. You shouldn’t bake a cake yourself since you can buy them.”
The alien was happy again. It would be a hero after all. “How do you buy cake?” the alien asked Dave. “I can go buy cake for you now,” he replied. Suddenly Dave and the alien were in the car headed for the bakery.
It took them no time at all to get to the bakery and buy a dozen cakes. Dave drove the alien to a field outside town and helped it carry the cakes onto the spaceship. All the aliens stared at Dave and he hoped none of them approached him. After the cakes were aboard the spaceship, Dave found himself at home in bed.
The alien had made it back last after all and was worried someone had already got the promotion he wanted so bad. The captain reported that the UN was not a threat to the aliens since they they can’t get anything done on this planet, they sure couldn’t control the universe. The KAOS, UNCLE, SPECTER, team said that these very secret organizations and they couldn’t find anything out about them.
Unfortunately the team covering the CIA, FBI, KGB disappeared from the monitor that was covering their activities. The team that studied the URL, HTTP, W3C were up next but they wanted everyone to go onto a computer to see their report. The AMA, DMA, IMA team talked about how wonderful their team was and how they are going to do great things for the planet. Nobody believed anything they said.
So now the alien that learned SEO was up. “SEO is like cake” the alien told his fellow travelers. It reached back and pulled out one of the dozens cakes and was mobbed. All the aliens loved cake and they couldn’t get enough. The captain announced, “You’ve done a great job and you are promoted to captain. We will not attack this planet but will come here for the cake”.
And that’s how Dave saved the planet and all of those that live here by teaching SEO to an alien in his kitchen.